


1-800-contacts

by moosetashioedmonocle



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-22
Updated: 2015-08-22
Packaged: 2018-04-16 13:42:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4627428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moosetashioedmonocle/pseuds/moosetashioedmonocle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>1-800-motherfucking-contacts. You know exactly what to expect from this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1-800-contacts

“Hey, Grif, what’s this box here?” Donut asked, walking into Grif’s room with a box the size of a dozen donuts…or a dildo, depending on what online stores you shop at.

“What box?”

“This box. It’s labelled for you. Something from…1-800-contacts?”

“Holy fucking shit. Give me that box!” Grif yelled, snatching the box out of Donut’s hands and uncharacteristically running down the hallway of the red base.

“Well, it’s good to see you actually hurrying for once! What is the occasion, a turd convention?” Asked Sarge as Grif zoomed past. Grif didn’t stop, he just lifted a goddamn middle finger at his C.O. and kicked down the door of the room belonging to Simmons.

“Grif, what the fuck?” Simmons squeaked as Grif held the box triumphantly above his head.

“The replacement cyborg parts I ordered for you have just arrived in the mail.”

“1-800-Contacts? They don’t sell cyborg parts, they can’t possibly have my brand.” Simmons looked over his shoulder, looking at some vague other part of the world with tears brimming in his eyes. “I have…metal eyes.”

“Look.” Grif said, grabbing Simmons by the shoulder and spinning him around. He shoved the box into his dumb nerd face. “Look with your metal eyes.”  
Simmons scanned the box with his amazing cyborg powers, then gasped. He turned away from Grif, the back of his human hand connecting with the metal and skin of his forehead. “MY BRAND!”

“Quality cyborg parts. 1-800-contacts, dude.” Said Vic, appearing out a portal on the floor to sell you, the reader, some quality goddamn cyborg parts, dude.

**Author's Note:**

> please leave your "wtf" in the comments, thank you for reading!


End file.
